As people age, the topic of death becomes increasingly significant and highly relevant. Yet, it is still an area that many of us simply avoid talking about. Perhaps this is no surprise. After all, death is a scary concept and not discussing means we don’t have to tackle that fear or the associated emotions.
Despite the fear, the end of life is far too important of a topic to just ignore.
In fact, talking about this can be an important type of therapy for both yourself and the person that you’re caring for. Likewise, it can provide a valuable way to evaluate priorities and consider what people truly want.
The Relevance of Talking About End of Life
As some of you may know, I was a caregiver in a relatively unusual situation. Unlike many of you, I was a young caregiver for my husband, who was severely disabled. At the same time, I also helped and supported my mother-in-law, but she was able to do most things for herself.
Because both my husband and myself were relatively young, we didn’t have a strong sense of how long we had. In fact, like many, we felt that we had much more time than actually ended up being the case.
But, we still knew that his health wasn’t the greatest and because of that, we did talk about death over the years. Those conversations were critical for helping me to adjust to the concept of losing him and the direct and indirect implications of that happening.
To a degree, the process also helped me handle the grief, as I began to understand and accept the situation long before it became a reality.
Yet, despite all our talks, we missed some of the most important areas.
In particular, we discussed the theory and the emotional implications but not the practical ones. So, we never talked about what he wanted to be done with him after he died, nor what I would do (as I was in a foreign country, far away from friends and family).
Likewise, we didn’t even think about putting any money aside for the future. I suppose that we thought we had time.
But, the reality is that we mostly didn’t even think about it at all.
So, when my husband did die suddenly, I was left in an overwhelming situation with no idea of what to do and how to proceed.
Now, we can’t make the challenge of death go away. No matter what we do, it is still a heavily emotional time and often represents a dramatic change.
But, choosing to broach the subject early and frankly talk about it can be majorly important.
That isn’t just true for after the person dies either. Instead, talking about end of life can help you and your loved one to figure out decisions that need to be made now and what makes the most sense in the future.
And, as scary as the topic is, many seniors do want to talk about it. In fact, it’s a subject that they may have thought about many times but not known how to bring up.
The Challenges of End of Life
Realistically, there are many challenges that come with the end of a person’s life – even if they do know precisely what they want.
For example, many people would like to die in their own homes. However, doing so is often not practical or realistic.
I recently saw this pattern in my own life with my grandfather, who recently passed away. He was completely adamant that he wanted to remain in his own house, right until the end.
However, to achieve that, a family member would have had to live with him 24/7 and be able to care for all of his physical needs. That simply wasn’t viable. I was the only person who had the physical capability to do so and I didn’t have the mental strength after losing my husband so recently.
As a result, the only option was to put him into care, something that he was not happy about. But, as we continued to visit him and his strength deteriorated, he did begin to accept the idea and the care that he received.
In that case, an agreement was made that he would be brought back to his home to die, when the time came.
However, as with many similar agreements, the idea didn’t end up being achievable. After all, death is far from predictable, even in cases where people are very unwell.
As such, the situations meant that it simply wasn’t possible for him to die at home. Likewise, this often isn’t possible for many people, for a whole range of different reasons.
Living wills and Power of Attorney also come with their own limitations.
While these can provide ways to lay out direction for the end of life, they cannot always be followed. Likewise, things may sometimes get lost in translation or additional considerations may arise over time.
Talking about the end of life isn’t going to solve all of these problems. Indeed, there are many things that we simply cannot predict or account for.
Still, the conversations are important and they can offer considerable peace of mind to you and to your loved one. In some cases, they may also be a way to take back control of a process that is, by its very nature, uncontrollable.
How to Approach End of Life Conversations
When it comes to the topics of death and end of life, it’s important to pay close attention to the person you are talking to. In particular, these topics are highly emotional and can be extremely challenging.
If you’re stuck for a place to begin, one option is starter kits that have been produced by The Conversation Project (you can access these here).
The kits have been translated into a number of different languages and they offer valuable insight into ways to address this topic naturally.
Some caregivers also find that one approach is to talk about their own end of life planning. This can be a way to bring the topic to the forefront, without directly addressing it.
In many cases, this process may be enough to start the conversation you are looking for. Likewise, it can make the idea feel more acceptable and realistic.
Additionally, it may also take time to address the topic in depth and you may need to introduce the idea gradually.
Ultimately, the precise solution and best approaches are going to vary from one person and situation to the next. But, one of the first steps is simply taking the time to begin to consider it and find ways to talk about these areas.
End of life truly is a critical topic and it is far too important to avoid or put off.
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